Getting out of B.E.D. - A Journey to Wellness

So I've been working really hard at containing my binges. I know I still make unhealthy choices, but I'm working REALLY hard to eat on a regular schedule and not let myself get HUNGRY hungry, because that's what sets off a binge. Things were extra difficult over the weekend as we were traveling and there were a lot of bad decisions made. But damn. Why is the scale going UP?!?  I'm so mad. I haven't even been indulging in sweets and what not.  It's just... grr!!  I'm frustrated. I'm training myself to take smaller bites, and chew more thoroughly, and just generally eat slower. I *feel* like I'm eating less. It's just so bizarre to make these changes and to see the number on the scale go up. I mean, even if it was holding steady, I'd be less annoyed. And thankfully we're home now, so no more McDonald's breakfast multiple days in a row. And back to my "no soda" normalcy.  I mean, I know those things definitely had an impa...

I feel like I'm just not doing well trying to manage this.  I really have no desire to go into therapy unless all other ways to correct this end up failing. That in mind, I did some searching last night for some worksheets or something (the kind they give you in therapy) that I could work on by myself.  I found this WONDERFUL and in depth resource.  I printed off the pages (sorry printer), but you could probably just as easily use them digitally and just write your stuff in a notebook. I don't know that anyone will ever read this Blog, but if they do, maybe this will help someone else someday. Overcoming Disordered Eating

So, it's becoming apparent to me that while, yes, I absolutely do have binge eating problems, I also struggle with overeating in general.  I think on two sides of this it's that I use food as a reward system (I did good, I can have a treat.) and I also justify treats and snack when I have a bad day (I totally deserve this because I'm suffering).  Literally neither of these are good. Oh, and even worse, I catch myself a LOT in the mindset of "I need to eat all of this right now so it's not in the house and I won't eat it later".  Which is REALLY stupid.  I'd be 100000x better off if I had a little bit over long periods of time instead of eating all the things all at once.  Tiredness seems to really be an issue with me not eating correctly.  If I've been busy and I get hungry, then I eat SUPER fast so I can get back to what I was doing.  So while I didn't make maybe all the best choices this weekend (I'm looking at you Brownie Batter do...

It has been a rough couple days, but honestly it could have gone much, much worse. Two nights ago I caved and had the cereal I've been craving. Of course I couldn't just stop and have one bowl, no no... I had two huge bowls and finished the box.  Because of course.  I'm noticing I seem to have issues when I'm tired.  If I'm sleepy, I seem to want to snack.  I don't know what is going on there, but at a cursory glance it seems like I'm trying to fuel myself to stay awake, rather than get the sleep I need. I didn't let guilt weigh me down too much about the mini-binge. I'm still learning, still retraining myself how to eat properly.  And while it wasn't good by any stretch, it was oatmeal cereal and not like... chips or ice cream or pastries. God I love pastries. 😦 Last night we had one of our "freezer pizzas" for dinner.  DiGorno Stuffed Crust.  Now, I truly do not like stuffed crust pizza, so it's very easy for me to not ea...

I've been trying to figure out where and when this all started.  Maybe the admonishments from my parents when I was young to eat everything on my plate when I had told them I was full and didn't want anymore. My Mom says she doesn't remember saying this, but honestly what parent in the early 80s didn't say this to their kid?  I know there were more than a few times where I'd complain of a stomach ache and be told "eat something, see if you feel better".   None of this was said or meant with ill intent, but I can kind of see where my spongy child brain would absorb these lessons and then twist them all terribly in my later life.  Then there was the "eat in 10 minutes or don't eat at all" lunch time during high school. Which then became "eat as fast as humanly possible so I can take the baby from his father so HE can eat at his slow pace".  Oh, and then there were the years of trauma and heartbreak and physical illness, topped off by ...

Wee. 🎉. Went to get some prescriptions refilled and had the "hey I think I have an eating disorder" conversation with the doctor.  Binge Eating Disorder is now in my chart, with a recommendation to see a therapist. I've gotten through everything else without a shrink, so I'm gonna see how I do on my own first before I start running to counseling appointments and group therapy. 

So last night wasn't a Binge in the true sense, but I was frustrated with myself for not being able to resist the chips and cake rolls. I started asking myself what was different yesterday. I came up with a few things. 1. I was counting calories not fullness for both breakfast and lunch. 2. Didn't drink enough water. 3. Made decisions about food when I was tired. I looked up calorie allocation recommendations for meals. Like, we all know the 2000 calorie per day thing. But I never really thought about how that breaks down per meal. And since one of my big issues is not eating breakfast OR lunch, just having a snack to get me through. Then having a dinner binge followed by excessive snacking as I spiral out of control every evening. It's recommended to have 300 calories at breakfast, 5-700 calories at both lunch and dinner.  So today I had a two packs of oatmeal (150 cal ea) for breakfast instead of one. I got up late today so I will probably forego lunch in lieu of a snack....

I couldn't resist the cravings and the urges tonight. I tried SO hard. I tried to minimize the damage. Like, I wanted chips, but I had Vegetable Chips not potato chips, and I drank a full 12 oz of seltzer. And I think it was a full hour later before I caved in and had a package of Swiss Rolls. I made myself take very small bites and put the cake roll down between bites. I even made myself wait probably a minute between cakes. I know these sound like dumb inconsequential things, but they are little things that will ultimately lead to me being better at eating overall. I'm trying so hard not to feel guilty about giving in to my cravings because I did what I could to minimize the damage. These are early days. I don't expect to unlearn years of bad eating overnight.  Learning. Growing. Changing. 

Hi. My name is Niki, and I have an eating disorder. I've recently had a series of "ah ha" moments that clued me in to the idea that it's not actually "just the way I eat" but that I actually have a Binge Eating Disorder.  This doesn't mean that sometimes I overindulge, have dessert when I shouldn't, zig when I should zag. This is something much deeper and harder to articulate. But I'm sure going to try because the more I understand myself, the more effectively I'll be able to get out of BED. (Luckily for everyone, I'm still hilarious lol)😂 K.so.. good talk. Today is 3 days since I last binged.  So far my best weapons have been toothpaste, hot baths, mints, mouthwash, and apparently tea.